All I need is your love
by kim-p86
Summary: A continuation of 10.22 episode. Oneshot


"What happened today?" Meredith had asked him as he wheeled her out of her room in the hospital.

His reply was a sigh. A tired, drawn out sigh. If it didn't hurt for her to turn round, she would have tried to look at him, but she could imagine his drooping lids and downturned lips as he pushed the button for the elevator.

"It's been a long day." He offered eventually as an explanation, as the elevator doors chimed open.

Meredith _knew_ it had been a long day- because no one came to her room. Cristina hadn't come by once, and because of the mass firing, there weren't as many nurses around to hear third-hand gossip from. She had sat in that small room for hours, flipping channel after channel, waiting for Bailey to sign her discharge form. It was eerily quiet, and Meredith could sense from Derek' silence that something big had gone down.

Despite the torrential rain, Meredith had remained dry during the journey from the dry walkway to the car, although Derek was less fortunate. She clicked her seat belt into place as Derek slammed his car door, running his hand through his wet hair, slicking it back as he turned the key in the ignition.

"I'm glad I'm out of the hospital. I got so bored, I braided my own hair! Thatcher's doing well. He should be out in a few days." Meredith said, breaking the silence. She had to say something, the lack of conversation between them was grating. As it was, she was already frustrated, not being able to work, being out of the loop- not being able to understand why Derek looked so upset.

"That's good, Mer." Derek smiled weakly, sounding distracted.

"I wonder if Lexie will move back to his house for a while just to look after him- I mean, someone should be there to help him, he'll need someone to clean, do groceries, check he's ok. She's living with Mark now, right. I meant to say something to her today, but she never came to my room…" Meredith left the end open, hoping Derek would offer some explanation to why _no-one_ had come to see her when usually someone came in- when they wanted to hide, or eat her candy people had gotten her.

He just made some noise and kept his eyes on the road, the rhythmic squeak of the wipers on the glass windshield highlighting the lack of conversation. Meredith slumped in her seat, defeated. She could have yelled, told him it wasn't fair that she was making all the effort to talk, imploring him to tell her what was bothering him. He looked so drained and so sad, and Meredith wasn't sure she had the energy to draw it out of him. She hated moody, brooding Derek. Getting any information from him was like trying to draw blood from a stone, and last time she had tried to drag him out of his depression, he had called her a lemon and smacked his mother's engagement ring across his land with a baseball bat.

Derek kept his eyes on the road ahead, still mad at what happened that day, still feeling betrayed by the chief. He knew the silence was more awkward than comfortable, and that Meredith was waiting for some explanation, but he just couldn't say anything. Not yet. The anger was still simmering under the surface, and he was afraid he'd take it out on Meredith if she brought up the subject.

Luckily, the ride home was short, and Derek helped Meredith up the steps to the front door, before running back to get the rest of her bags. Meredith gingerly stepped across the threshold, taking a moment to enjoy the feeling of being back home. She leaned against the table by the door for support as those steps from the car to the door left her out of breath slightly. It smelled of home. A bittersweet smile grew on her lips as she remembered George telling her his Mom's house smelled 'homey'. It may not have been the smell of fresh baking, but it was home to her.

"Bedroom or couch?" Derek asked her, his voice making her jump slightly. In the light of the hallway, she could see exactly how tired Derek looked. There were grey bags under his eyes, and the lines on his face seemed more pronounced. He looked like he could have slept for days, he looked like he was the one who donated part of his liver, not her.

And now that she didn't have to pretend to feel great, the wall of exhaustion hit her too. She still had a long way to go. "Bed. The walk from the car to the door has completely wiped me out. How lame is that? Walking ten yards makes me as exhausted as I feel after twenty four hours working. I hope Thatcher won't drink my piece of liver into oblivion." She smiled at him.

Derek nodded, lifting her up into his arms effortlessly. "What are you doing?" She giggled.

"If you can't make it up the stairs on your own, I'll just have to help you…" He laughed, taking her up the stairs quickly.

-X-

Meredith's eyelids began to droop as she waited for Derek to come out of the shower. She couldn't not ask him why he looked so depressed that was part of the post-it commitment, right? The note that was framed above the bed- no running, and that meant no running from facing difficult conversations. She didn't understand him sometimes. One minute he was barely talking to her, making her endure a whole car ride home in silence, and the next he was laughing with her, carrying her up the stairs and dare she think it- even [i]_dreamy[/i]_.

She woke up as she felt Derek slip into the sheets beside her, fresh from his shower, his back turned from her as he flipped out the lights. Through the little beams of light through the window, she could see how tense his body was, and her hand touched his back lightly, the contact startling him.

"Derek?" She asked, her voice a little hoarse.

"Hmm?"

"What exactly is going on? Because it's driving me crazy. I have been stuck in a room for a week because I donated half of my liver to a guy I don't even like for my new found sister. I'm so out of the loop right now, and I don't have the energy to translate the silent brooding Derek thing into English. So please, just tell me what's going on."

Derek sighed, turning over to face Meredith. Even in the dim light he could make out her delicate features. Even though he spent time with her when she was in the hospital, it was only now that he realised just how much he missed her being there.

"I didn't come to Seattle just because of what happened in New York. I came here because I thought I could have a future, an advancement in my career. And now- now at this rate this hospital would be lucky to make the top fifty. The chief has messed things up so bad, Mer. He betrayed my loyalty. I don't think there's any going back from this. And this merged situation wasn't something I signed up for. I don't think I even want to work there anymore." There was a part of him that wanted to tell her everything he felt- but there was also a doubt in the back of his mind that she wouldn't support him, that her love for Seattle was bigger than her love for him.

"Where would you go?" She asked him, in a voice smaller than she expected. "Seattle's our home."

"I could get a job anywhere. I don't want to work there anymore. I can't support the chief after everything he's done. I'm glad you're not being put in that futile competition with those residents from Mercy West. Because of the fear, both sides are practicing their worst medicine. There is no protocol anymore, and no one is taking responsibility and enforcing it. It's like putting apples and oranges together- they don't mix."

"Well…unless you're making a fruit salad…" Meredith attempted to joke, trying to buy herself time while she wondered where she stood on this. For most of her adolescence, she hated Seattle, with the memories of the relationship with her mother, and those awkward years in high school where she just wanted to get a reaction from Ellis, for her to notice her. But now it was different. She wanted a life in that city, with Derek, with her best friends. "Do you really want to move, though?"

"I'm just thinking out loud." He sighed, bringing her close to him, kissing her on the lips lightly before flipping off the light.

Even though Meredith's snores filled the room, Derek wasn't able to sleep. Was he frustrated enough with the situation to want to move from Seattle? Meredith was right, it did feel like their home. The more he thought about it, the more guilty he felt for bringing it up. Meredith was recovering from a major surgery, and he was talking about life changing situations. She had been through a lot- one of her best friends died, another one survived a terminal cancer and then ran away, she did one of the most selfless things a person could do by giving her estranged father a part of her liver, and now he was asking her to move from somewhere she could truly call home because he was in a battle of wills with the chief.

-X-

Meredith woke up, her arm sliding towards Derek's side of the bed, her fingers met by cool sheets. She blinked several times, waiting for the blur in her eyes to disappear before looking at the clock. It was five o'clock in the morning, and it seemed that Derek was not only up, but not in the house. She was ordered by Bailey not to walk any further than the bathroom and back, so she couldn't get up and go around the house trying to find him. She called his name a few times, and called his cell phone, and couldn't get through. She flopped back defeated.

She had been so tired the night before, she wouldn't have even noticed if he had been tossing and turning beside her all night, and she was afraid that because she was recovering from surgery, he was protecting her from his true feelings, and about how bad the situation at the hospital was.

There was nothing else to do but look out of the window, watching the rain pour from the sky, the heavy raindrops hitting the window panes noisily. Despite the noise of the rain outside, the house sounded quiet, and if there was a word someone would use to describe Meredith's house, it would have been anything but quiet. But everything was changing. Alex was living—well, no one knew, no one knew where Izzie was either, and the former 'youth hostel' seemed like a shell of it's former self. Even though the peace should have been welcomed by the newlywedded Meredith and Derek, he wasn't even there to see if she needed anything. What about breakfast? What about helping her downstairs so she could do _something_? She hated he was so pre-occupied, and she hated that she was spending precious energy worrying about him, when just walking to the bathroom tired her out.

She looked up, her eye catching a glimpse of the framed post-it note above their bed, their stupid attempt at commitment. It gave her enough of a reminder that he promised the same things she did. Now she understood his frustration after she drowned, when she wouldn't tell him anything, and he was left to guess what she was thinking while pretending everything was ok. Now she knew there was nothing wrong with things not going perfectly, as long as they muddled through together. She knew Derek was on edge about the merger, and she'd allow him a little distance as he worked it out for himself.

-X-

Meredith awoke with a start when she heard the front door slam. It was seven o'clock, and many phone calls to Derek later, she had given up trying to call him, frustrated with his voicemail message. Just the sound of his voice saying 'This is Dr. Derek Shepherd' pissed her off.

"Derek?" She called, pulling herself up to a sitting position.

She saw a biker boot kick the door open further, and Cristina entered the room with a bag of food and a six pack of beer. "No. It's me." She announced glumly, before kicking her shoes off and joining Meredith on the other side of the bed. "I hate Owen."

Meredith peered into the bag, grimacing at the smell as her stomach rumbled. In her desperation at lunchtime, she had found an old cereal bar in the bottom of one of her purses in her bedroom, and willed herself not to look at the use-by date and just eat it. "Cristina, you know I don't like Chinese food, and I can't drink alcohol for weeks." Meredith complained.

"He is trying to be impartial, that's what he says. But I am a good surgeon, I'm the best resident on that floor. Alex is still messed up about Izzie, and those Mercy Westers- they didn't get into a top five in the country residency. He's not being impartial. He's being unfair. He won't let me near his OR. If you were working right now, Shepherd would let you in on his marathon chief-defying surgery for sure." Cristina grumbled.

"His what?" Meredith asked in shock, grudgingly opening one of the take-out boxes.

"He didn't tell you? It's a pissing contest between the chief and Shepherd. My money's on Shepherd. He's attempting this huge ten hour experimental surgery. You're so lucky you have a neurosurgeon like him in the hospital. We need a person like him in cardio. Someone who challenges Webber and brings this hospital back on the cardiothoracic map."

"Yeah, well…he might not be here for long if he had his way." Meredith scoffed, twisting the noodles onto her chopsticks.

"What do you mean?"

"He was talking about leaving last night, going to some other, better place."

"Ugh. It's alright for you. He'd take you with him. I'm just stuck here. No one's gonna want me now Seattle Grace has slipped in the rankings. It's become a joke in cardiothoracic circles. No one sticks. And when they find out I was Burke's… they won't want to hire me partway into a residency."

"That's not the point, Cristina. This is home."

"Stop being sentimental, Meredith. Your mom's dead, so is George, Izzie has disappeared, and Alex is so distracted, he might as well not be here. What are you staying for? I say jump the sinking ship. I knew I should have taken the Mayo residency."

"You call it a sinking ship, I call it a boat of hope."

"What's wrong with you? Have you got a delayed presentation of a post-op infection? Is this delirium?" Cristina asked, making a face at Meredith.

Meredith smiled. "It's probably hunger. And a crappy childhood."

-X-

"Thankyou for calling and telling me about your amazing surgery, Derek." Meredith said in a sarcastic tone, slamming the laptop lid shut as Derek entered the bedroom past midnight.

"Meredith…don't." Derek sighed tiredly, unbuttoning his shirt while he surveyed the mess on the bed. "Chinese? You hate Chinese food…and please tell me the alcohol isn't yours?" He said, picking up an unopened bottle of beer. "Oh. Cristina came round and told you, didn't she?" It all clicked into place now.

He picked at the cold leftover food, taking a bite and chewing slowly. He'd been so preoccupied, he'd forgotten about Meredith. He could see her in the corner of his eye, her arms crossed tightly around her chest, her lips pouting in anger slightly as she sat in silence, waiting for him to say something. He swallowed, the cold beer washing down the bolus of egg fried rice that seemed stuck in his throat. He rubbed his tired face with his hand, leaning back into the pillows.

If she thought Derek looked tired the night before, when he brought her home from hospital he looked exhausted now. He looked more unwell than she did, a shade of grey that was so pale, it looked like that nasty ham they served in the hospital cafeteria. And suddenly, her anger at him not bothering to phone her all day seemed so small and insignificant to what it looked like had happened that day. He looked sad and withdrawn.

"Derek…did the patient not survive?" She asked gently, her hand grasping his bicep as she moved closer towards him.

"No…he survived. But I don't think my friendship with Richard did…" Derek replied sadly, placing the take out box on the nightstand as he wrapped both arms around Meredith, her head fitting perfectly into the crook of his neck. "By doing that surgery, I… it's like a mutiny."

On the sinking ship? Or the boat of hope?

"He'd been my mentor, the kind of surgeon I wanted to be, someone I looked up to. I was offered chief twice, and I turned it down because I thought he would do a better job. I stalled my career prospects out of loyalty for him, and he gave nothing back. I feel like I've been played like a cheap fiddle."

Meredith held onto Derek tighter, unsure of what to say. Her relationship with Richard Webber was messy. He was her boss, her messed up father figure, her mother's one true love, the reason her childhood was abysmal. She balanced on a fine line- had a lot to resent him for, and a lot to thank him for, and where she stood on that line depended on that day. She couldn't be impartial and remove her emotions from it all. She hated him. Because her mother never came back from the sting of his rejection, and now he'd done the same to Derek.

"What if I almost went too far today, to prove a point to Richard?" Derek whispered, the words sounded harsh and hoarse. "What if I convinced myself I was doing it for Isaac and I was actually doing it for control?"

"It's human nature, Derek. You were hurt, and you acted out. Welcome to my teenage years."

Derek could have almost forgotten that there was a time not so long ago where he wouldn't have even dreamt of talking to Meredith like this, to tell her his thoughts and expect something back. But it was real, and she was there. No one would understand why, if they could pledge forever on a post-it, why they couldn't find an hour or two to get married at city hall. But they were happy like this, and if signing a piece of paper-in any form- was enough for Meredith then it was enough for him. He knew that a ring and a marriage certificate and a wedding day costing tens of thousands of dollars wouldn't stop his wife from fucking his best friend eleven years later.

"Derek…" Meredith's voice echoed off the bedroom walls slightly as she sat up to look at him. "…if you want to move someplace else, we can. I'll go with you. If you're not happy, find another job."

Meredith smiled almost in a shy way, still loosely surrounded by Derek's arms. If he had Meredith by his side during the surgery, it would have seemed ten times easier. And that wasn't because they were one of those saccharine couples who loved each other with a special love stronger than most, but because recently they had found this shorthand with each other that made the ordinary love they did share so much more accessible. After the candle blueprint gesture, everything had made sense.

Her selflessness warmed him, and he moved closer to her soft lips, kissing her gently, careful not to get too carried away - she was still recovering after all.

The kiss broke apart, but Meredith still stayed nestled in his arms as his cold toes rubbed gently against her warm ones. The quiet was punctuated by the sound of Meredith sniffing. "You smell like girl- like…like lavender. Did you use my conditioner?"

Derek laughed. "My shampoo bottle was empty, so I grabbed whatever I could find. I think it's made my hair shinier and softer, just like it says on the back of the bottle. What do you think?"

Meredith grinned as she twisted his hair through her fingers. "Shinier… and definitely silkier. I think you should consider a L'oreal advertising campaign."

"Am I worth it?" He played along.

"Not really. But I'm stuck with you now."

"Stuck with me?"

"I ate a stale cereal bar and Chinese food today. You're not being a very good husband."

"Ouch. You know I had a difficult day, and now you're hurting me. How can I make it up to you?" He asked, eyebrows raised in amusement.

Meredith smiled, knowing she had him just where she wanted him. "Well…tomorrow morning you could start by bringing the TV up here. I'm sure there's an old cable connection in the corner there…"

Derek's eyes narrowed in suspicion "Did you play me so I'd bring the TV up here?"

Meredith arched one eyebrow and gave a sly smile. "Does it matter?"

But if the rain must fall , If I lose it all  
If the world comes down and takes my soul  
If the sky turns black ,and there's no way back  
It won't matter much to me , if I had you  
All I need is your love  
That's all I need  
All I need is your love

JAMES MORRISON- If the rain must fall.

_**I really hope you guys enjoyed reading it. PLEASE REVIEW!**_


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